just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
