my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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