look no pants
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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