I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
