i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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