Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
