Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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