A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
