Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
