I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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