i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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