what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
