Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
