Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
