I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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