When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
