Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
