Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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