I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
