did you get engaged???
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize