you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
