She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
