He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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