I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize