my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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