Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
