i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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