when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
