It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
