im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
