Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
