Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
jump out the window naked night went bad
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize