i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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