I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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