My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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