Me. At least after what I've been through.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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