I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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