We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
