I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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