I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
