I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
