she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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