Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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