I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
