What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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