What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
