508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
