And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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