i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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