i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize