What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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