R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
