he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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