Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
