Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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