Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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