i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
