i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Fuck me I smell like cheese
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
