It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
