i barfeds in our rink
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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