69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
