It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize