Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
