The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I wish i was in the wii world.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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