So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
