My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
